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This is my dilemma!

Where should I start?  Where do I begin?  If I go back to the beginning where would that be?  And why am I doing this anyway?   Is it an explanation?  Is it to understand?  Is it to justify?

I don’t want sympathy!  I don’t need to justify!  But I do need to understand!

Last month I decided that I was ready to begin my new life.  I was ready to step out of the darkness that had become my comfort, my place to hide, my safety.  I did not make a plan,  I just wanted to write, write about my hopes and dreams of my new future.

But then I realised that you can’t escape the past.  It is always there, ready to jump out and take you by surprise, to creep up unannounced, to find its way into your every moment and every word I tried to write.

My past was there to take over, to remind me of the fear, of the pain and of what could happen if I stepped out of the dark which had become my safety net.

I have been told that the past is behind me, to move on, to begin my new life.  But the problem is the past has shaped me, made me who I am.  How can I just leave it all behind?  How can I escape?  Move away?  Move far away, start a new life?  But I know that I will take the past with me where ever I go.

I have been through the therapy, the soul searching, read the self help books.  I have taken the medication, cried till I could cry no more and talked long into the night.  I know that my history is behind me, that now I laugh and smile once again and that I am ready to rebuild and live life once more.

Yet still it is there!

So I write this for me and for my children, so that maybe one day they will understand my choices, understand my life, but most of all understand and know me.

I write so that I can make sense of the betrayal, the pain, the despair that blanketed my life and left me broken.  I write so that I can destroy the past and leave it far behind me.  I write so that I can learn the lessons, trust my heart and my intuition and so that I know that my life so far has not been a waste.

But most of all I write my life backwards so that I can live my life forward.