There are no excuses! There are no justifications! A game is a game! And a game played with a life? A game played without someone knowing, without their consent? A game with no rules!
And the point of the game? To boost an ego? To gain points? To avenge? As punishment?
I have analysed, over and over again, each and every page of my diary looking for a clue. But the answers are based on emotion, based on my own thoughts, not on the truth that could only be spoken by the ones who began the game.
But what good would the truth do? Would it take me back to being strong and happy? Would it give me back the two years taken from me? Would it stop me crying any less? Would it give me back my faith? My morals? My values?
Would it mean that my lost confidence and self esteem would suddenly reappear? Would it stop the looks of pity? Would the truth change the past?
Truth hurts! And yes better to know the truth than to live a lie, but I had already found that out and the answers to my questions would not lessen the pain.
So I lived alone with the pain, the dark and the fear. And every day I longed for someone just to be there, to hold my hand so that I didn’t slip away.
But truth hurts! And truth is when life gets difficult, when someone is in pain, when someone suffers we do not know what to do, what to say, what not to say. So instead of doing anything we do nothing, we avoid, cross the road, stop the calls and stop listening for fear of hearing the truth and not being able to deal with it.
A year on, I look back and wonder why and how I didn’t give up. I think it could have been my rebellious side fighting back and if that is the case then deep down inside I am still me! And that makes me smile because it means I was never truly lost I just wandered off of the path for a moment in time.
But one thing I have learnt – time! Time spent holding a hand and listening is the most precious gift you can give and can be the difference when the question is asked ‘am I worth life?’